They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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