Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
