I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
