we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize