my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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