thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
