i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
