You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
