i'm signing you up for texting rehab
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
