Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
