I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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