Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
