Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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