I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
