When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
