Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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