Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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