You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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