She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize