I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
