Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Terrible idea I love it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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