When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
