i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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