i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if only i could text you this smell
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
