she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
