Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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