im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
