Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
