he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
