My sheets look like a crime scene.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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