I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found puke in my bra..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
