The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
