SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
