I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
