Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize