I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
