you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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