I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We left the knife in your bed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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