I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
