I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
