Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
