my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize