Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
