Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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