my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
