____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
