also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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