remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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