TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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