Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
