Swine flu. Run for my life!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
