I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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