I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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