So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
