He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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