she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
