I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
