sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
