Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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