My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
