How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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