I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
