It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
