dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
