I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
