Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
