I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
