Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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